Lessons Through Embarrassment

    I don’t recall being embarrassed by the things I used to like. I get embarrassed by the things I do all the time but not the things I like. Why would someone else care if I like something? 

    My music taste is kind of wacky. But I’m aware of it. I used to only listen to Disney musical soundtracks. Sometimes people would mention that, and I suppose I would get a little embarrassed, but now I would tell someone that I was obsessed with Disney without a problem. 

Mal is a character from Disney’s Descendants about the children of villains, and I used to go around wearing a shirt with an enlarged picture of her face on it. It’s not so much embarrassment that I feel, but I would not choose to do that today. 

I don’t like that liking Disney became a personality trait. That’s what people knew me for. I think liking it is good because it’s good to find joy wherever you can, but I could’ve been more subtle about it. Not a secret, just not broadcasted. It shouldn’t be all of me. 

I’ll keep subtlety in mind in the future. Live and learn, as they say.

Right now I’m obsessed with Clash Royale, but I’ve almost taken the opposite approach. I’m not embarrassed about it, but I’ve noticed myself intentionally avoiding playing or mentioning it at school. Maybe that’s the definition of embarrassment, though. When I talk about it, I feel unlike myself. It’s not so much that I’m embarrassed that I play but just that it’s different from what I typically enjoy now.

I downloaded Clash Royale when I was younger because my older brother played it, and I wanted to spend time with him. I’ve kept the app since then, but never took a huge interest in it until I was stuck in an airport for 12 hours. 

We scheduled a flight for 9am to go to San Francisco, and we arrived at the gate right on time– except we were early. Because our flight was at 9pm. So we settled in for our long wait. Playing Clash Royale was prompted by boredom at the time, as I had not yet become obsessed. But I kept finding myself bored in the coming days, so I continued to play. And I just couldn’t stop. It didn’t last very long, though, because I’ve recently rediscovered Plants vs. Zombies so the two apps are splitting my not-so-free free time. 

I have noticed that I willingly share my Plants vs. Zombies enjoyment, though. I was playing during brain break just the other day, showing my friends all the funny-looking plants with faces as I tried to defend against the zombies. Maybe Plants vs. Zombies has less of a stereotype in my head or maybe it just has more nostalgia because I used to play with my dad. 

Also driven by nostalgia, I love Alvin and the Chipmunks music and would unironically listen to it for the joy. I would openly and enthusiastically share this information, as well. I take caution in playing it for others because most don’t enjoy it as much as I do, but I appreciate the balance between sharing my joy and not needing everyone to know. 

Even though embarrassment has a lot of negative power, I think it’s taught me to embrace my interests in spite of others’ opinions. But even if you do get embarrassed, at least you get a funny story out of it.

Comments

  1. MaggieSeptember 11, 2023 at 9:01 PM

    There are some real good mobile app games out there and I can relate to getting sucked in one for a long long time. I think the tone of the essay is pretty good, and I like that you can sort of laugh at yourself. Currently the essay feels a little bit clustered, since you go over many things. I think maybe you could tighten it up and just talk about the games you like to play, or something like that. I also think you can go deeper into reflection, and maybe talk more about your emotions and why you don't want some of your interests to be shown to others.

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